Answering 10 intimacy questions you’re too embarrassed to ask

Do you remember being a teen, when it seemed like all of your friends giggled about the dirty joke someone told, but you never quite got the punchline? No matter what age you are — from your early twenties to well into adulthood — that feeling of embarrassment that can still sneak up when you least expect it. Especially if you have intimacy questions you might feel too embarrassed to ask — and let’s face it, we all have from time to time.

“Historically, sex has been considered a very private act, which makes any topics surrounding sex to be very taboo to openly talk about,” Dr. Betsy Chung, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert at RAW Dating says, “Oftentimes, it's less about the topics surrounding sex that are uncomfortable to talk about, but our fear of making the other person uncomfortable.”

As humans, it is only natural for us to avoid things that might be uncomfortable. But when it comes to learning more about sex, our own desires (and even our partner’s!) it’s important to be able to ask the questions you’re curious about.

But if you’re not quite there yet in asking your partner, or even your group of besties, don’t worry! Bloomi has got you covered. Here are the ten intimacy questions you might be too embarrassed to ask, with answers, below.

10 intimacy questions you may be too nervous to ask (answered)

1. How much sex is enough sex?

What if we told you that this question is one of the most-asked sex questions for folks who are both single and in partnerships? It’s true. Everyone wants to know: How much sex is enough sex? Am I having enough of it? Should my partner and I be having more of it?

Truthfully, while your ears might burn at the thought of asking the question, the answer might feel the same way too. Because when it comes to this, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer.

“Everybody has a different sex drive, so it's up to each person to determine whether they're having 'enough' sex. Some couples are lucky enough to have sex drives that are very much in alignment, and in such cases, may worry less about whether they're having 'enough' sex,” Chung tells us, “Other couples who may have a larger discrepancy in their libido may encounter more questions about their level of sexual activity, and may need to be more proactive in finding solutions so both partners can feel satisfied.”

If you gather the courage, the answer to this lies in asking yourself how you feel about your own sex drive and desires, and then communicating that with your partner and seeing how they feel, too. You’ve got this!

2. Have you been tested for an STI?

Time and time again, we’ve heard stories of folks of all genders worry about asking this question, for fear of ‘ruining the mood.’ But if it does dampen the sexiness of the evening, truth be told, that might not be the right partner for you.

According to Chung, this should be a question that everybody should be more comfortable talking about for several reasons. “First, to truly enjoy sex, you need to feel safe and comfortable, so knowing your partner's sexual history and safety habits is crucial to feeling comfortable,” she explains.

Secondly, she adds, STD's are more common nowadays than you might think but also much more manageable and treatable. If the fear of being judged for having STIs or getting one is keeping you from asking the question, remember that there is nothing wrong with it, and it’s always better to practice safe sex and have open communication — even if it’s scary.

3. How can I tell if I’m sexually compatible with a partner? 

Maybe you’ve just started dating someone and you’ve only had sex a few times. You might wonder: How can I tell if I’m sexually compatible with a partner?

It all starts by learning to look at your own desires openly, without judgment, and seeing if they match up with what you’re experiencing. The next step, though, is to discuss them openly with your new partner and see where you align. It’s true what they say: you’ll know when you know. It just takes a bit of practice, comfortability and patience to discover if its a sexual match.

4. How can I turn myself on and ‘get in the mood’?

If you're finding it difficult to get 'in the moment', you're not alone. 

“Because of how 'taboo' sex is in society, many people fail to explore their more sexual side and are therefore clueless about what they want and need,” Chung says. Because every body is different both anatomically and experientially, she adds, we all respond differently to sex and sexual stimulation.

If you really want to know how to turn yourself on and set the right mood, it requires you to be experimental with yourself. Touch yourself in new ways, take a bath, light some candles, try out a new sex toy or more. If you can be willing to be adventurous in your exploration, you’re bound to find what really speaks to you.

5. Can you get an STD from oral sex? 

Yes, you can. Per the CDC, many sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) can spread through oral sex — like chlyamidia. If you’re practicing oral sex, especially with new partners, consider using a condom, dental dam, or other barrier methods to prevent getting an STD

6. What if I can't achieve orgasm? 

Hey, you’re not alone here. In fact, lot of women have never experienced an orgasm. According to a recent study from Pleasure Better, up to ten percent of women have never orgasmed in their life and 59 percent have reported faking an orgasm.

If this is you (and you want to have an orgasm!) there are many things to try: solo play, removing the pressure of time, getting in a good state of mind, bonding with yourself, bringing fun toys into the bedroom and more. It all starts with the desire to have pleasure.

7. Am I good in bed?

“You may be afraid to ask this question out of fear that the answer will be 'no', which may mean that you're not satisfying your partner enough,” Chung tells us, “If that's a true concern, having the courage to find the answer to this will actually be the first step to being a better lover for your partners”

8. Is sex supposed to be painful? 

It’s true that sex can sometimes be painful. But it’s not supposed to be. Maybe your vulva is feeling sensitive, you played a little too rough or your body is just feeling different than it does. Those can be normal parts of the ebb and flow of being human and having sex.

But if you’re experiencing persistent pain during sex, that shouldn’t be happening and should be professionally addressed. 

9. Is fluctuating sexual desire normal? 

Absolutely! The frequency of sexual desire changes over time — especially for women.

Sometimes, you may want to have sex all the time, whereas other times, things shift your libido. Maybe it’s having a busy life, or shifting new jobs or just feeling satisfied without it. For others, you might experience a really high sex drive suddenly, and that is all normal, too. Sexual desire isn’t something that stays a constant but changes as we change. 

10. What sexual fantasies do you have?

Has someone ever asked you what your fantasies are and you couldn’t think of one/ Or maybe you clammed up and felt too embarrassed to share it. That is totally expected, especially if you are a person who has never shared sexually or very little, before. After all, fantasies are a very vulnerable topic.

“Fantasies are limitless, and there may be a fear of being viewed as sexually deviant if you were to be more open about the topic,” Chung explains, “A good way for partners to get better at discussing such topics is to learn to be supportive listeners and not judge or criticize each other for the things they say. And just because somebody fantasizes about something, it doesn't mean it needs to be fulfilled!”

The next time someone asks you this, or you have the urge to ask a partner or even a friend, we encourage you to go for it. Often, it can open up a world of conversation that the both of you didn’t know you needed.

How can you be become less embarrassed to ask questions about sex?

If you find yourself shy or embarrassed to ask questions about sex, we’ve got a few strategies for you.

First, you can start by just talking about your feelings around talking about sex. That way, you can measure the other person's level of comfort with the topic. One example could be saying something like, "I've been curious about something that's related to sex, and wanted to know how comfortable you are with the topic?"

Next, you can remind yourself that while it may feel embarrassed at first, you might be opening up a whole new world of discussion for you and your partner. Remember that if you’re having sex, it’s OK to ask questions, and to be asked questions, even if they’re on the side of things that make you blush.

Lastly, focus on the fact that asking questions about sex can lead to a better sex life and experience for you. If you never ask, you’ll never know, and you deserve to know everything that will bring you pleasure.