It’s Never Too Late To Experience The Big O
A lot of women have never experienced an orgasm. In fact, whether solo or partnered, many folks who identify as women have never gotten to the point of climax. It turns out, this experience is more common than you might think — and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Take actress Rebel Wilson for example, who revealed in her memoir Rebel Rising that she’d never had an orgasm until 2019, when she was 39.
"I’d never really learned about orgasms," Wilson wrote, "When I’d had sex over the past few years, I’d never really thought about my pleasure. It was more about the guy climaxing, and then pretty quickly sex was over. And while I had experienced pleasure, I don’t think at this point I’d truly had an orgasm.” She goes on to add that she experienced an orgasm for the first time at 39 — all by herself.
Unfortunately, there is still a lot of stigma around sex, particularly when it comes to women’s access to pleasure. Ola Miedzynska, a sex work advocate and the co-founder of Erobella, knows this all too well. With her expertise, we’re bringing the topic of The Big O to light.
“Enjoy sex too much and we might be labeled as a ‘slut.’ But if you don’t enjoy it enough, we’re called ‘frigid,’ she tells Bloomi, “This makes it harder for us to have honest conversations around the subject and can make women feel inferior if their experiences don’t reflect the perceived ‘norm.’”
But let’s face it: these honest, open conversations around women’s pleasure are both essential and freeing. If you’re someone who has never experienced orgasm, you’re looking to explore how to get yourself off, or you’re simply interested in learning more about your body, we’ve got just the thing for you, below.
How common is it for women to have never had an orgasm?
According to a recent study from Pleasure Better, up to ten percent of women have never orgasmed in their life and 59 percent have reported faking an orgasm.
“It wouldn’t surprise me if this figure was actually higher, as societal expectations can make this subject tough to talk about,” Miedzynska explains, “Plus, despite what movies and romance novels would have you believe, many women also find it difficult to orgasm purely through penetrative sex.”
Nearly 82 percent of women cannot reach orgasm by penetration alone, which goes against what our society tells us about a woman’s experience of sex, as a whole. Aven if we haven’t “faked it” ourselves, Miedzynska adds, she bets we all know someone who has, so it could actually be a larger percentage than is reported.
“Sex can be such a satisfying, fun part of our lives, and yet many of us are unfulfilled.”
Why does it happen?
If you’re of the percentage of women who have never reached the elusive ‘Big O’ you might wonder: Why does it happen? Why can’t I orgasm? It’s a question that could have many answers; it really depends on your situation.
“One of the main inhibitors to orgasm is stress and feeling under pressure,” Miedzynska says, “There are often certain expectations around intercourse, and a woman may feel she has failed in some way or let her partner down if she doesn’t achieve orgasm.”
Other reasons for not experiencing climax may be:
Menopause and hormonal changes
Not being familiar with what you like
Having short-term partners who don’t learn your body
Being on certain medications (like SSRIs)
For others — like women who have recently gone through a divorce — and have either never orgasmed or who’ve lost the orgasm levels they once were at, it can be a matter of stress and life changes.
No matter what the reason is, though, there are ways to explore for yourself (if that’s what you’re looking for.)
What to do if you’ve never had an orgasm (yet)
The good news? If you’ve never had an orgasm (and you want to!) there is still time. The up to ten percent of women who have never orgasmed are simply pre-orgasmic, meaning they’ve never had an orgasm, yet.
If the Big O is what your after, there are a few things worth testing out.
Try out solo play
Sometimes, self-pleasure can be the best place to start, if you’ve never (or rarely) orgasm. You can really take your time, without worrying about anyone else in the room.
“Masturbation is a perfectly healthy, natural way to explore your body, and figure out what you do and don’t like. Women often take longer to climax than men, which isn’t always acknowledged,” Miedzynska tells us, “You’d be forgiven for thinking zero foreplay and some vigorous thrusting should culminate in orgasm every time. Thanks, Hollywood.”
Remove the pressure of time
In reality, it can take half an hour or longer, for a woman to come close to orgasm. So for some women who have never climaxed, It could literally just be a matter of taking more time.
“Have a bit of patience and take the pressure off. It can even help to remove an orgasm from the equation entirely at first, and just focus on exploring your body and your sexuality without expectation. You could experiment with different toys and techniques to see what works for you. This can be done alone, or with a partner.”
Consider your state of mind
Here’s something you may not have considered before: the impact the mind has on orgasm. It’s not just a physical response; it’s a mental one, too.
“If you’re up in your head, this can make it incredibly hard to climax, so try and find ways to stay present in your body. This can be challenging for some people, so it is essential to explore this in an environment where you feel safe.”
Work on your relationship with yourself
“Often for women there is an element of self-consciousness around sex and intimacy. They may be comparing themselves to others, thinking about how they look, and questioning their performance. With so much going on, it’s not a surprise that orgasm can prove elusive. Building a good relationship with your body can help confidence in and out of the bedroom, so it’s certainly worth working on.”
Bring toys into the bedroom
Have you ever tried toys? If not, it may be the thing you need to send you over the edge. There are a lot of toys out there, but (in our opinion) Bloomi has the best beginner-friendly toys out there.
For those who want something small and cute, try the Play Mini Vibrator, a bullet vibrator that nestles nicely in your hand and is great for vibrator newbies. We also love to recommend our best-seller: the Indulge Double-Sided Vibrator. This one can be used on the clitoris or can be inserted, too.
What’s next?
For most women who are pre-orgasmic, research shows that most will orgasm at some point in their life using the above techniques. Hooray! For others who might need a form of treatment or therapy, the outcome is also great — 80-92 percent of those women will be able to reach their climax. Luckily, we live in a time where there are plenty of resources to guide us.
“There are a ton of resources available which can support people who want to explore their sexuality further, so I recommend checking these out,” Miedzynska says, “From online platforms like OMGYes, to books like Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski, there is something for everyone.”
But remember: If you’ve never experienced the ‘Big O’ it’s nothing to be shameful about. Everyone’s sexual journey and preferences are different and yours and yours alone. Remember that an orgasm isn’t the be all and end all of satisfying sex. There are many ways to enjoy intimacy without it, too.
