How to navigate conflicts in your relationships
In relationships, conflicts are inevitable. But disagreements don’t need to end in disrespect or separation.
According to Psychology Today, conflict can actually be healthy for relationships because it signals a need for change and requires cooperation and interdependence to get through. But just because there are positive outcomes to relationship squibbles doesn’t make them fun. There’s nothing enjoyable about trying to get your partner to see something as clearly as you do or apologizing for messing up. It’s uncomfortable. It’s frustrating. And it feels like something that would be better left avoided.
But according to sex and relationships psychologists, dodging quarrels could lead to more problems down the line and may even be a sign that one or more people in the relationship isn’t very invested. So much so that studies show unresolved conflicts increase the likelihood of divorce or breakups.
Unfortunately for most of us, we didn’t sit in on a school or church course about navigating conflicts in relationships and probably didn’t see healthy disagreements mirrored to us in our families. That said, we all have some learning to do, and Dr. Viviana Coles, Bloomi’s resident relationship & sex expert, has some counsel to share. Below, the licensed psychotherapist shares three important tips to help you and your loved one work through discords when they arise in your relationship.
Schedule a time to chat.
The next time conflict emerges in your relationship, confront it and work through it by talking it out. Confirm a time that works for both parties and set a time limit of no more than 30 minutes to focus and discuss the disagreement. Be sure to be compassionate and respectful while listening and while speaking.
Use “I” statements.
To reduce blaming, accusations and defensiveness, use “I” statements. “I” statements are comments that begin with “I,” “from my perspective” or “the way I see it…” Statements like these make it clear that you are speaking for yourself and focusing on your experiences, thoughts, feelings, reactions and decisions — not on any beliefs or judgments you may have made about your partner.
Focus on what you want.
Another way to avoid blame and criticism: Focus on what you want instead of what you don’t want. The goal is to find solutions to the problem so that you both can move on better and stronger together.
Final thoughts
Conflicts are bound to come up in any relationship. There is no way around it. Try the three aforementioned pieces of advice to work through disputes in your relationships in half the time, and half the stress.