How to talk about sex: a guide for partners, parents, and kids
Many people still regard sex as a private, "we don't talk about it" matter, which adds a layer of complexity to clear and honest communication about intimacy.
Figuring out how to talk about sex either with your partner, kids or your parents can be difficult. However, it's very possible to learn how to communicate about sex. And having sexual communication skills has tons of benefits for people of all ages.
Why it is important to talk about sex
Better sexual communication = better sex
Couples who have better sexual communication are having better sex, according to numerous studies. A study published in 2020 surveyed over 3,000 people and found a positive correlation between sexual communication and sexual satisfaction in a relationship.
When partners have better sexual communication about their wants, needs, and desires and are able to express their preferences in the bedroom area, researchers found that those couples have more orgasms and have sex more frequently.
Builds intimacy in a relationship
Sex is a very intimate activity that requires all parties involved to be vulnerable. Communication about sex only further increases the vulnerability factor, which is why so many partners struggle to find the best way to communicate about sex.
However, overcoming the sex communication obstacle in a relationship can lead to better intimacy in a relationship overall. When you dare to be vulnerable with your partner and they are understanding and accepting of your vulnerability and offer the same to you, the intimacy in a relationship grows stronger.
Keeps children safer
It's hard to find a way to talk about sex with children, but it's crucial for their safety and well-being. Often, when kids don't have a safe and comfortable place to talk about sex and their curiosity about it as they're growing up, they find other outlets to learn about sex.
And those outlets are often questionable and do more damage than good. Kids might seek out their older friends for guidance, or turn to watch mainstream porn which is not an accurate representation of how sex should look or feel.
Without the proper context for sexual acts portrayed in porn (which can often be violent) and education on what role porn plays in our sexuality, children can develop an unhealthy relationship with sex which can lead to unsafe exploration later down the line.
Sex Education Forum found that sex education has a hugely positive effect on children of all ages. Kids who receive sex education are more likely to have safe sex, more likely to have sex for the first time at a later age and consent to it, and are less likely to be victims or perpetrators of sexual violence.
Eliminates the shame
When we avoid talking about sex in relationships and with kids, we further perpetuate the stigma that sex and sexuality are something shameful, something that should be left behind closed doors. Talking about sex and sexuality with your partner and kids helps to fight the shame and normalize sex and our bodies.
It's especially crucial for kids as they're developing. Talking with them about private body parts eliminates the shame and shows that their body is normal and healthy. It also helps kids to accept the changes in their bodies as they age and develop body hair and experience changes overall.
How to talk about sex with your partner
Talking about sex with your partner, even if you've been long enough with them and love them dearly can be challenging. It's normal and despite the challenge, with the right tools and preparation, very possible to do. Here are some of our tips to help you get started:
Understand yourself first
It's hard to have a conversation about sex when you're not sure what you want to talk about. So, the very first step in talking about sex with your partner is to do your own research about your desires, wants, and sexual needs.
This way you can better understand why you want what you want, and what tools, tactics, or things would make you more sexually satisfied. Once you know it, you can then inform your partner and you both can decide on how to adjust your sexual routines to fit those needs.
Use positive language
You don't want to hurt your partner's feelings or make them feel as if they're the problem when it comes to sex. To avoid evoking negative emotions, try to have a conversation through a positive lens.
Instead of telling your partner what they're doing wrong, focus on things you want to add to make things better. For example, instead of saying "I don't like the way you go down on me" say "I'd love to try using a g-spot vibrator during oral sex."
You might also want to compliment your partner on the things they do well during sex before suggesting changing things up or trying something new. For example, you can say "I love when we switch positions mid-way. Can we do Reverse Missionary in the end instead of Doggy?"
Be clear
Being clear and straightforward about your needs and wants is the key. If you can tell your partner in a few words how to make things better, it will be much easier for them to follow. Even better is if you can show them.
Simply say to your partner "kiss here" as you point to a sensitive spot on your neck, or "touch here" and place their hand where you want them to touch you, or give them instructions like "harder," "slow down," and "slower." All of that is effective sexual communication that can make things so much better for both of you.
Actively listen to your partner
Active listening is a skill that's crucial for successful sexual communication. It means that you listen to what your partner has to say without interrupting them or talking over them, check your understanding of what they're saying throughout the conversation, and lastly, ask for clarification if you're unsure that you understood what they meant.
Making sure you're actually listening and not making assumptions or hoping that you'll understand it better in the future will make your partner feel seen and heard. And it will also ensure that the discussion is fruitful and you both can apply whatever it is that you decided the next time you have sex.
Be patient
While you might be ready to talk about sex with your partner openly, your partner might not be as open to it or comfortable with the idea right off the bat. They might need to warm up and digest the information for longer.
So, give them space and be flexible with your communication. Conversations about sex are not a one-off thing, so have an introductory conversation where you let your partner know that it's something you want to talk about, and then give them space and time to get comfortable with the idea.
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How to talk about sex with your kids
Most parents dread the time when they have to sit down with their teenagers and have the dreaded "sex talk." In reality, you should start speaking to your kids about sex as early as possible and do so as often as possible.
"Sex talk" includes so much more than saying "use a condom" or "we should get you on birth control". It includes introducing children to gender, teaching them about body parts, and most importantly, teaching them and showing them what consent is. So, let's take a closer look at how to talk about sex with your kids at different ages:
Ages 2 - 12
Honesty is key
Being honest with your answers when kids ask you questions about sex can be challenging, especially if the kids are very little. However, honesty is the best policy when it comes to sexual communication, from a very young age.
When your child first asks "where do babies come from?" you might want to spin a tale about a stork who brings babies to all parents who want kids, or some other child-friendly story, but it's best to be straightforward and truthful.
The same goes for private body parts. When the child asks about their private parts, no matter how little they are, it's important to name the body parts correctly, instead of coming up with nicknames. This is crucial because it normalizes all body parts, even the genitals.
Just like you'd call your arm an "arm" without batting an eye or getting embarrassed, it's important to extend the same courtesy to genitals and other private parts of a kid's body.
Get help from sex-ed books
A great way to make sex education for kids a bit easier is to take advantage of sex ed books created for children specifically. Books like What Makes a Baby by sex educator Cory Silverberg are great tools to have on hand when the question "where do babies come from?" come up.
Another great sex education book for children is Sex Is a Funny Word by Cory Silverberg which has a great overview of many different topics like gender, bodies, and sex, and is perfect for kids between 8 and 10 years old.
Reading a book on the topic of sex can be a great way to spend quality time with your children while opening the lines of communication about the topic and showing them that there is nothing to be ashamed about or embarrassed and that you're there for them if they want to talk or have questions.
Practice what you preach
Kids are observant, and if you say one thing, yet act differently, chances are that they'll repeat the behavior they see, rather than what they hear. So, when it comes to sex talk, it's crucial to align your words with your actions.
That's particularly important for topics like consent. It's one of the parts of sexuality that you can start teaching from a very early age, as well as explaining that the child has bodily autonomy and that their body is their own.
So, it's important that as you explain to them about the boundaries of touching other people and allowing them to be touched that you lead by example. Whenever you want to give a kiss to your child, or hug them, always make sure to ask them and the same goes for their behavior.
Setting clear boundaries with actions and words will be the most effective way to ensure clear communication about sex, which will not only teach the kids the information about sex you're trying to convey, but also the necessary skills for their own sexual communication when they're adults.
Normalize the conversation
It's important to show the kids that they can come to you with any questions that arise around sex, their bodies, and sexuality. So, practicing making the conversations about sex something that's normal and healthy, and not something to be embarrassed about is key.
Kids are excellent at reading non-verbal cues. So, if they notice that sex questions make you embarrassed or uncomfortable or that you avoid them, they might stop bringing their questions to you and turn to someone else for guidance.
Ages 12 - 18
Create an honest, non-judgmental space
Communication about sex with teenagers can be a little more challenging, but it's definitely possible to keep the conversation about sex going. One way to do it is by emphasizing having an honest and non-judgmental place at home where teenagers are welcome to come with any questions or thoughts they might have.
Engage the teenagers by inviting them to discuss sex-related topics in the media, and culture. Teenagers are sensitive to what they see on TV and social media, so always having conversations about sexualization, sexism, and other body and sex-related topics can help them feel better and learn to develop their own minds.
Also, now it's the perfect time to start talking about safe sex practices. Instead of villainizing sex, and expressing judgmental views on teenage sex, focus on providing solutions for healthy and protected sex. It helps build trust and shows kids that they are responsible for their own bodies and choices.
Your role here is to provide as much relevant information for the teenagers about sex, dating, pregnancy, body image, and other topics so that they would feel confident in making the right choices and staying safe.
Respect their boundaries
It might be tempting to snoop around their room or to try and read their messages or journals to find out if they're being safe and responsible, but that is a huge violation of their privacy and boundaries. And in order to foster open and honest conversations about sex requires respect for boundaries.
How to talk about sex with your parents
Talking about sex with parents can be very scary. But it doesn't have to be. In most cases, your parents will be happy that you are being curious and responsible and trust them enough to have a conversation about sex with them.
The key to a successful talk about sex with your parents is preparation. So, let's discuss some of the steps you might want to take to prepare and get comfortable with the idea and how to approach your parents when you're ready.
Research first
Depending on why you want to talk about sex with your parents, you might want to research the topic on your own before you bring it up with your parents. Websites like Power to Decide can be great places to start researching things like birth control, relationship, sex, pregnancy, and much more.
Learning more about a sex-related topic you want to discuss with your parents will ensure that you're less anxious when the time comes to have the conversation and can offer your parents the information they might need to make an informed decision and advise you in the best way possible.
Find the right time
Sometimes, a conversation about sex can come up accidentally as you watch a movie or TV series together or read something in the media or news. If an opportunity arises like that, use it to start a conversation and see how your parents respond and react.
However, in most cases, it's best to find the right time to start the conversation. You don't want to do it first thing in the morning when your parents are in a rush to get to work and to get you to school because the reception might not be what you expect.
It's a good idea to give your parents a heads-up about a conversation you want to have with them. Simply say: "Hey, I'd like to talk about something after dinner." This helps to ensure that your parents are fully present and have their attention on you and the conversation at hand, and not other things.
Find the right format
Sometimes, talking face-to-face might be an obstacle you're not able to overcome. Instead of giving up on having a conversation with your parents altogether, consider talking in a format that's better for you. For example, over a text, an email, or even a letter.
Not having to talk face-to-face about something you're uncomfortable talking about can greatly alleviate anxiety. So, consider texting your parents instead of talking. And if you see that you get more comfortable with time, then take the conversation from text or email to face-to-face.
Be patient
What kind of reaction your parents will have to a conversation about sex will depend on many factors. It might be hard to predict their answers and reactions, so prepare to be patient with them even if you don't see eye to eye with them immediately.
The best approach is to avoid getting angry and emotional and give your parents space and time to digest the information you provided them, whether it would be wanting to have sex for the first time or getting on birth control.
Conversations about sex shouldn't be a one-time thing, so don't shy away from coming back to the topic, again and again, to continue the discussion with your parents until you all reach an agreement that works for everyone.
And hey – once you start conversing with your parents about sex, it'll get easier and easier each time as you all will become more comfortable with the topic and have enough time to digest information on your own time.