A couples’ intimacy guide: How to build lasting intimacy in your relationship
Physical and non-physical ideas for couples to strengthen their intimate connection
Often, when people talk about couples' intimacy, they have sex in mind. Intimacy and sex are two words used interchangeably, which makes the meaning of "intimacy" murky. Is it all about sex, or is there more to it?
“Intimacy can mean different things to different people, which is something I’ve seen firsthand with couples I work with,” Marissa Moore, a licensed counselor explains, “For some, it’s about emotional closeness being able to share your deepest thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. For others, it’s more about physical connection or even intellectual and spiritual bonds.”
Intimacy is truly a “to each their own” thing — but if you’re struggling to figure out what works best for you and your partner, we’ve got you covered, with five ways to deepen the intimacy in your romantic relationships, below.
Your guide to couples intimacy: What it is, why it's important, and how to build it in a relationship
What is intimacy?
Intimacy is a sense of closeness between people in platonic or romantic relationships. It can involve a physical and emotional connection between people and it's an essential part of a healthy, happy, and fulfilling relationship.
But as Moore said, it’s not always the same for everyone.
“I remember a couple, I worked with who both had different views on intimacy. The wife saw it as being emotionally open and vulnerable, while the husband associated it more with physical closeness,” she told Bloomi, “They were both right because intimacy is multifaceted.”
Intimacy is about creating a space where you can be your true self with each other, whether that’s through conversation, touch, or shared experiences — and it’s built over time through trust, honesty, safety, communication, acceptance, compassion, and yes, affection.
There are different types of intimacy in relationships, too, for building strong romantic relationships:
Physical intimacy: Physical intimacy includes acts like hugging or holding hands, kissing, skin-on-skin contact, cuddling, and having sex. It's not reserved for romantic relationships alone, a hug between platonic friends can also deepen the intimacy in a platonic relationship.
Emotional intimacy: Emotional intimacy involves sharing your deepest, most personal feelings and thoughts with your partner. You build emotional intimacy with your partner through having deep conversations, where you share your wants, needs, future plans, and dreams.
Intellectual intimacy: Intellectual intimacy involves having meaningful conversations with your partner about life, the world, and current affairs. It's the act of trying to learn how their mind works and discussing interesting things like books, and other things.
Spiritual intimacy: Spiritual intimacy can involve religious beliefs and moral values you and your partner share, but it can also involve things like health and wellness and your overall philosophy of life.
Experiential intimacy: Experiencing things with a partner is another key component of couples' intimacy. It involves spending time together by doing various new activities, exploring new hobbies, traveling, or even playing board games. It builds new memories together and deepens intimacy.
Why is couples' intimacy important?
“Intimacy is the heartbeat of a relationship. It’s what makes you feel close, secure, and loved,” Moore says, “Without it, couples can start to feel like they’re just going through the motions, more like roommates than partners. More fulfilling relationships.”
Plus, there are a ton of benefits to fostering intimacy with your partner. Studies show that couples who have better intimacy in relationships are more satisfied with their relationship and feel safe, heard and seen, and cared for.
Deeper intimacy in romantic relationships, especially emotional intimacy, can also greatly improve sexual desire in both partners. The higher the level of sexual desire, the more you both will want to engage in sexual activities, which further deepens the intimacy.
It’s also key to fighting off loneliness and improving mental health. A study published in Psychological Bulletin found that being in a happy relationship has the same health benefits as a healthy diet and exercise.
What might be disturbing your efforts to build intimacy
“There are several things that can get in the way of building intimacy, and I’ve seen these play out in many relationships,” Moore explains.
According to her, communication issues are a big one. When couples stop sharing openly, it’s easy for misunderstandings and emotional distance to grow. Another can be unresolved conflicts can also create barriers if you’re holding onto past hurts, it’s hard to be fully open and vulnerable with each other.
“I worked with a couple, who struggled with intimacy because they were both so busy and exhausted all the time,” she explains, “Life’s stressors like work, kids, or even just the demands of daily life can drain the energy you need to maintain closeness.”
But fear not: There are tried-and-true ways to get better at intimacy.
6 tips for better couples' intimacy
Are you interested in deepening your intimacy with your partner? It doesn't matter if you've been together for a year or five, there are things you can do to strengthen the bond you share.
“Improving intimacy is all about small, consistent efforts that show your partner they matter,” Moore reminds us.
1. Prioritize Quality Time
Life gets busy, but carving out time just for the two of you is essential. Whether it’s a regular date night or just a few minutes of undistracted time together each day, making time to connect can do wonders. According to Moore, you could start doing something like “tech-free” evenings with your partner, and you may notice a big improvement in your connection.
2. Be Open and Vulnerable
“Share what’s on your mind and in your heart, even the little things,” she suggests, “Being open about your thoughts and feelings, like one of my clients did, can make you feel closer and more understood. It’s about letting your partner in on what’s going on inside you, even if it feels a bit scary.”
3. Listen Deeply
When your partner talks, really listen. This means not just hearing the words, but understanding the emotions behind them.
“I often tell couples to practice reflecting back on what they’ve heard or to ask questions that show they’re truly engaged. It’s a way of saying, ‘I see you, and I care.’”
4. Be Patient and Compassionate
Building intimacy takes time, especially if you’ve faced challenges.
Don’t rush the process or expect overnight changes, Moore adds. Approach each other with patience and kindness, I’ve seen couples who struggled for years begin to rebuild their connection with time and consistent effort.
5. Physical Touch
Don’t underestimate the power of touch!
“Simple gestures like holding hands, hugging, or a gentle touch on the shoulder can reinforce your bond and make you feel more connected,” she explains, “Holding hands while talking can even make a big difference in how connected you feel.”
6. Non Physical Touch
Intimacy can happen when you are not together and build nicely throughout the day. Small acts like sending a text letting your partner know you’re thinking about them, making them a cup of coffee in the morning, or calling them at lunch to see how their day is going, all show them you care and improve your connection.
