8 ways to tell your partner(s) your sexual needs aren't being met
According to a study in the National Library of Medicine, sexual satisfaction is the main predictor of relationship satisfaction across gender lines. Unfortunately, 42 percent of women and 52 percent of men report having dissatisfaction in their sex life with their long-term partners. So, what happens when a woman is not sexually satisfied?
Let’s go even further: What causes a woman to be sexually satisfied? Let’s face it — women (and folks of all genders) deserve their own pleasure and satisfaction.
To answer this, we’re going to take a deep dive into what can make a woman’s sexual wellness great, plus how to expand your own for the better, below.
What are Signs of Sexual Dissatisfaction?
When a woman is not sexually satisfied, there is bound to be physical, emotional, and behavioral signs. After all, sex is much more than what happens in the bedroom; it’s a highly emotional experience that begins with the way a woman is treated in everyday interactions. Here are some signs to look out for:
1. Physical signs
When it comes to physical changes from sexual dissatisfaction, you may notice you or your partner may experience weight gain or weight loss. Often, changes like this can be an attempt (unconscious or not) to get attention and earn the sexual attention that someone may be craving. Of course, you shouldn’t forget that physical changes could also result from stress or depression, which can also sometimes come about from sex deprivation.
2. Emotional signs
Like we said, sex isn’t just physical but emotional, too. The best sex is born through a strong emotional bond, and without it, it can feel like you’re detached and maybe not wanted. If you are not feeling emotionally connected to your partner, it could carry over into the bedroom.
3. Behavioral signs
If someone, regardless of gender, is sexually not satisfied, certain behaviors are most common: engaging more frequently in masturbation or solo play, as well as purchasing new toys as a sort of hint-hint to spice things up.
You may also find yourself becoming more critical of your partner. Even if you don’t mean to be, criticism and underhanded digs are common when one isn’t feeling loved, appreciated, respected, or properly pleasured in the bedroom.
The way you interact with your partner after intercourse can be very telling, too. Acting annoyed, immediately distancing yourself, or saying nothing at all are all indicators of displeasure.
The Effects of Sexual Dissatisfaction
Don’t let your mind play tricks on you — it’s not just sex. It’s actually a proven fact that sexual frustration can impact mental health and lead to anxiety, stress, and even depression. If sexual dissatisfaction goes on for a long time, it can even put pressure on your personal relationships, and cause some unwanted impacts, like these.
An impact on mental health
Regular sexual interaction is directly linked to improved mental and physical health, stretching to include lower death rates, lower depression, and higher levels of relationship satisfaction. On the other hand, inadequate sex may cause increased irritability, difficulty focusing, self-esteem issues, and even trouble sleeping. When you’re sleep-deprived or not feeling your best, you’re naturally not going to have the best sex, which is why the side effects of sexual dissatisfaction act as a double-edged sword.
2. An impact on relationship dynamics
When needs are not being met sexually, it puts a serious burden on even the strongest relationships. It can cause little issues to turn into big arguments while breeding hostility and contempt. If couples are arguing more and not engaging in quality sex, the outcome of the relationship is in peril.
3. An Impact on overall well-being
The quality of your sex plays a role in everything from your mental health to your physical health. Did you know that lower levels of sexual activity and sexual issues are linked to poor physical health and certain chronic health conditions like arthritis and diabetes?
4. Communication Challenges
If your partner is worth being with, the last thing they want is for you to suffer physically or mentally. A good partner desires to pleasure their lover; that’s where communication comes into play. Discussing your wants and needs can change everything for the better. Of course, that’s easier said than done.
If you’re having communication challenges, it can breed feelings of discomfort, a lack of trust, and even fear of rejection. Some folks may even worry their partner will overreact and make them feel ashamed of their wants and needs.
How to Tell Your Partner, “My Needs are Not Being Met Sexually.”
Sexual intimacy is essential to many people in relationships (though certainly not all!)
It’s not always fireworks. Through the lifetime of a relationship, it's totally normal for things to grow stagnant — with hectic schedules, life and kids — it’s only natural for libido and sexual satisfaction to ebb and flow. So, what should you do when you experience a lull in the bedroom? The answer: Communicate with your partner(s).
1. Be clear about what you want.
It’s not enough to say you’re not being satisfied sexually; but you have to be able to share what it is you want in bed. Before even starting the conversation with your partner, be clear on what you want. It could be more time spent on foreplay, exploring new positions, acting out a sexual fantasy, introducing sex toys, bringing in a third, or something else. Write it down so you remember and are prepared to articulate it.
2. Have an open mind.
As you’re making the sex bucket list, it’s important to be honest with yourself. It’s common for people to reject their sexual desires because of the messages passed down to them through religion, conservative education, or their families. However, sexual wellness includes unlearning the shame tied to sexuality.
Similarly, as you are being gentle and open with yourself, it’s important that you also prepare to have an open mind when speaking with your partner(s). If the conversation isn’t one-sided (and we hope it’s not!), they might disclose some of their own sexual desires that may surprise you.
3. Practice the conversation ahead of time.
Before you discuss your sex concerns with your partner(s), imagine how the conversation might go. Consider how you’ll start the discussion, the main points you want to make, your key questions, and how your partner(s) might respond. With preparedness comes confidence, and you’ll want to feel self-assured when leading this conversation.
4. Schedule a time for the sex talk.
No one ever wants to feel blind-sighted, especially for a conversation as intimate as sex. That’s why it’s important to give your lover(s) a heads-up and schedule a day, time, and place to talk with them. Telling your partner(s) ahead of time that you want to discuss your sex life can also help them prepare for the conversation.
5. Language is everything.
For the conversation to run smoothly and actually be effective, be aware of your language. Consider using "I statements" to ensure you are taking ownership of how you're feeling about your sex life and relationship. You don't want your partner(s) to feel attacked. Also, it can be helpful to avoid comparisons.
6. Encourage them to open up as well.
Another important one? Give your partner time to process what you're telling them as well as an opportunity to openly share their displeasures and/or desires.
You can do this by asking open-ended questions: What are your sexual fantasies? How would you like me to touch you? Which sex positions would you like to try? If you’re still having trouble, consider introducing Bloomi’s Better Sex: Yes, No, Maybe List, a free, downloadable resource of sex and intimacy acts for you to think through and discuss with your partner(s).
7. Make (and take) action steps together.
For this conversation to lead to changes that ensure your (and your partner’s) sexual needs are being met, decide together on some action steps that you can do together. After all, that’s what a relationship is all about.
We recommend trying out a sex journal, like A Sex Journal for Couples ($26), available on the Bloomi marketplace — a practical, fun and beautiful tool for exploring sex and communication. You can also try to introduce sensual massages into foreplay or incorporate sex toys into sexy time. Believe it or not, investing in products that will boost libido and enhance your sex life, like Bloomi’s Arousal Oil ($58) is a great place to start.
8. Don’t be afraid to seek out professional help
If, after everything, you’re still struggling to communicate with your partner(s), it’s totally OK! Society has taught us that sex, especially creative sex, is shameful. You and/or your partner(s) may need time to unlearn these messages. Remember: change doesn’t happen overnight. That’s why you might want to try seeking out the help of a professional. They’re there to help you.
The Importance of Good Quality Sex
The data is clear: sex is one of the most important factors in a relationship — if you and your partner are both sexually driven people — and it can certainly make or break a partnership. It’s not just your love life, though; good sex impacts your mental and physical health.
Wherever you’re at in your journey, It’s never too late to start enjoying sex again with your partner or to find new ways to re-spark your relationship.