The science of sexual desire: What to do when your sex drive is low

It's natural to go through periods of life when your sex drive is low. Yet, when it comes to our societal view of sex, one might think something is wrong if you’re experiencing a lower period.

We typically think that sex involves: Desiring sex, becoming aroused, having sex, having an orgasm, and then feeling the euphoric "sex high" afterward. But here’s the big secret: It's not always that straightforward, and you may not feel "turned on" every time. 

If you’re experiencing a low period in your sex drive, you may wonder: What’s causing it? How can you get back to a place of desire? Let’s talk about it.

What is a sex drive?

Libido (AKA your sex drive) is your desire or drive to engage in any sexual activity. Every person has their own sexual desire that's normal to them, and it can vary greatly amongst people. 

Responsive versus spontaneous desire

A common misconception about sexual desire that many folks have is that the desire to have sex is supposed to strike us out of the blue. Think: Randomly becoming turning on or thinking about sex midday. But that’s not always the case — different people experience sexual desire in different ways, and can fall under two umbrellas: 

• Spontaneous sexual desire: This is when you experience the desire to have sex randomly, seemingly out of nowhere.

• Responsive sexual desire: When a certain action or circumstance triggers your desire to have sex, for example: cuddling and making out with your partner.

Both sexual desire types are normal and healthy. And if your sex drive is low, and you might not know why understanding your sexual desire type might help boost your libido. 

What is arousal non-concordance?

Have you ever felt that in your mind, you're in the mood for sex, but your body is not on the same page? Or, on the other hand, you are not feeling turned on in your mind, but your body is responding?

This phenomenon, as explained by sexual researcher Emily Nagoski, is called arousal non-concordance, and it's a totally normal thing to experience. It happens when there is a disconnect between the mind and the body during sex. No matter what, arousal non-concordance is a reminder to always ask for consent, and that verbal consent is needs to be ongoing.

Why did you lose your sex drive?

If you’re wondering why your sex drive has lulled, there could be a lot of reasons, and it fully depends on you and your life. may not want to have sex, like:

• Stress or fatigue

• Fear of pregnancy or STIs

• Birth control or other medications (ex: antidepressants, antihistamines, and decongestants)

• Relationship problems

• Depression or anxiety

• Childbirth/postpartum

• Trauma from past sexual experiences

• Hormonal changes (ex: becoming menopausal)

• Your partner's sexual function

But remember: It is perfectly fine not to be in the mood to have sex, and you should never feel pressured to.

What should you do if you have a higher libido than your partner?

When partners have different sex drive levels, it can often feel like the responsibility falls on the partner with the lower sex drive to find ways to boost their libido. But approaching mismatching libidos is a two-partner job.

A good place to start is to communicate with your partner about your needs and theirs. Maybe your partner is losing sex drive because of one or more reasons we listed above. Figure out if there is a way to help your partner solve the issue that's lowering their sex drive. For example, taking on more house chores or responsibilities with kids so your partner wouldn't feel as tired.

Also, self-pleasure can be a great way to satisfy a higher sex drive in a relationship when one partner is not in the mood. It's normal to masturbate even when having a partner, and it can help alleviate the pressure on the partner with a lower sex drive. 

If your sex drive is low: 9 ways you can increase libido

1. Try CBD oil 

Using CBD oil can help with libido — and contrary to popular belief, you cannot "get high" with CBD because it is not THC, the active chemical, that produces the "high" effect. A recent study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine looked at the role of endocannabinoids in our sexual behavior. They compared endocannabinoid levels before and after masturbation and found that the levels were significantly higher in people who had masturbated and orgasmed.

Since our body increases endocannabinoid levels during sex, using CBD or hemp oil products on the skin may enhance our arousal and sensations during sex even more. Bloomi's Luxe Massage Oil is formulated with organic full-spectrum hemp extract (CBD) to satisfy various needs.

2. Do Kegels 

Did you know that the pelvic floor is made up of a set of powerful muscles that extend from your pubic bone to your tailbone? A kegel, an exercise that trains and strengthen these muscles, can also help bring your libido to a brighter place, too.

Approximately 1 in 3 women will experience issues related to a weak pelvic floor due to: pregnancy, childbirth, being overweight, aging, surgery, and not exercising these muscles. Fortunately, strengthening your pelvic floor with Kegel exercises is simple and can be fun. Women who consistently strengthen these muscles see improved benefits within a few months, including:

• Achieve more intense and frequent orgasms

• Increases lubrication around arousal

• Improves bladder control

• Reduces incontinence

• Increases sexual arousal

• Improves lubrication

• Achieve higher overall sexual satisfaction

Kegels can be done anytime with special kegel balls, yoni eggs, or exercise trainers. Whether you set aside 5 minutes at the gym or do them during your next meeting, you will notice a difference within a few weeks if you do them consistently. 

3. Improve your sleep 

The National Sleep Foundation has found that adults typically need between seven and nine hours of sleep each night. However, the average person gets less than seven hours of shut-eye every night. With so many exhausted people, we may just be too tired to get busy with gettin' busy.

In fact, a study by Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists found that the number one reason people or couples report losing interest in sex is because they are worn out by the day. Conversely, a study conducted at the University of Michigan Medical School found that the longer people sleep, the more rested they feel and interested they are in sex.

If you’re struggling with libido and sleep, scientists agree that the bedroom should be for sleep and sex only, and to try getting on a sleep schedule. Remember: aim for seven or nine hours of sleep. If you wake up and still don't feel rested, you probably need to add an extra hour to your sleep schedule.

To further improve your sleep hygiene (yes, that's a thing) and boost your sex drive, add restful wellness practices that could enhance the quality and quantity of your snoozing hours.

Moreover, while better sleep leads to better sex, it's also true that good sex could lead to good sleep. So if you're too tired for partnered intercourse, or using your hands to pleasure yourself, consider adding a sex toy to your nighttime routine. Your body will thank you!

3. Try food play 

Sex and food have some key commonalities: they're both nourishing, sensually gratifying, and often enjoyed with someone you love (or like!). Enjoying the two together can seriously elevate your senses and, as a result, enhance your libido.

4. Get to know your erogenous zones better 

Erogenous zones are areas of increased sensitivity, often stimulated during sex, and have the power to enhance pleasure and intimacy. For folks with vaginas, extended contact with their erogenous zones can enhance the frequency and intensity of an orgasm.

While everyone's body and preferences are unique, research shows that there are five parts of the body that are typically sensitive for folks:

• Nipples: Sexual contact with breasts and nipples can be so erotic that some people report being able to achieve orgasm simply from having their nipples stimulated. Intensity can vary with each person, so start slow. Try experimenting during masturbation or with a partner to see what feels best to you. For extra sensation, use botanical massage oil.

• Lips: There's a reason that so many sexual encounters start with making out. Lips are incredibly sensitive areas, and kissing is both pleasurable and emotionally intimate.

• Neck: Necks are especially sensitive to light touches, such as kissing, blowing, or nibbling.

• Ears: Like necks, ears have a lot of nerve endings and can feel good being lightly touched, sucked, or kissed.

• Butts: From grabbing, spanking, or just spooning, contact with butts can be extremely erotic. An arousal serum can provide extra slip during anal penetration.

5. Take your time getting turned on

Did you know that the average couple spends less than 12 minutes on foreplay, while most vulva-havers actually need closer to 20 minutes to be fully aroused? Don't skip the foreplay — and yes, this applies to solo sessions and masturbation as well.

Having sex without feeling aroused can be painful and is not enjoyable, so consider spending more time on foreplay and incorporating more sexual stimuli into the mix: skin-to-skin, oral sex, body massages, reading erotica, taking a shower or bath, stimulating your inner thighs and genitals, or using other stimulation that you enjoy.

6. Try new things 

Novelty keeps relationships exciting and passionate. New experiences activate the brain's reward system to release feel-good hormones like dopamine and norepinephrine.

You know that flushed, hot feeling that also makes you a little wet? That is you kicking your arousal process into gear – thank your hormones for that. You need this to happen over and over throughout a relationship in order to 'keep the spark alive.'

Set aside time for dedicated date nights about once a week or a few times a month, depending on your and your partner's availability. During date nights, do something fun and new with your partner, even if small: a mini road trip, find new hiking trails, test a new sex toy or pick a random new place to have sex. Sparks create attraction, which creates desire, which often leads to great sex.

7. Get to know your sex drive cycle 

Just like our menstrual cycle, we also have sex cycles that go along with it. Right before we ovulate, our sex drive is at its peak (thank you, estrogen and testosterone). If you count day one as the first day you start menstruating, your sex drive peak is about two weeks after that day.

Track your cycle for at least two months and journal how you feel throughout the month to pinpoint when your sex drive is the highest and lowest. Share this information with your partner and try to schedule some alone time or partner date night around those peaks. 

8. Update your sex menu regularly

Think of your sex menu as a (very) long list of things you enjoy or want to try. If you need help getting started, use a sex journal for better sexual communication. As we age, with every new relationship, and with major life changes, our sexual interests will change and impact the items we want on our sex menu.

9. Introduce natural aphrodisiacs

While no ingredient is known to lift your libido instantly, ancient communities and modern experts agree there are natural aphrodisiacs. These natural aphrodisiacs are filled with nutrients that stimulate blood circulation, balance hormones, and soothe the skin, which is necessary for the body to experience arousal or sexual pleasure:

• Ashwagandha: an adaptogen that relieves sexual anxiety and increases libido

• Chamomile: a plant that is calming and soothing on the skin

• Cinnamon: a spice that promotes blood flow, especially in the abdominal area, facilitating sexual arousal

• Ginger: an aphrodisiac known to increase pelvic circulation, warmth, and relaxation

• Gojiberry: an ancient Chinese aphrodisiac known for balancing sexual energy 

• Maca: an ancient Peruvian aphrodisiac that increases libido and boosts fertility