How to build sexual confidence
You probably know the popular saying "fake it till you make it" that people love to use when it comes to confidence, and while it might work at work or at social gatherings, this piece of advice isn't most effective regarding sexual confidence.
Satisfying sex life is based on honesty, vulnerability, and communication, and faking an orgasm in the bedroom often doesn't bring people much satisfaction.
16% of women and 25% of men suffer from sexual performance anxiety which can affect how confident someone feels when it comes to intimacy. So, if you struggle with sexual confidence, know that you're definitely not alone and that there are ways to boost your sexual confidence that we will talk about in this blog post.
Your guide to improving sexual confidence at any age
Why is sexual confidence important?
Sexual confidence is important for a few reasons. Multiple studies have found that there is a link between sexual confidence and sexual satisfaction in women. The higher one's sexual self-esteem is, the more satisfied they are with their sex life.
Being sexually confident also prevents you from having sex when you're not in the mood. On the other hand, people who struggle with sexual confidence may be unsure if they want to have sex.
A “maybe” isn't a full body yes. This distinction is important to avoid situations where people may be manipulated into having sex when they don't really want to.
What might be affecting your sexual confidence?
There are numerous reasons that might be affecting your sexual confidence:
Sexual shame: If you come from a background that is not as encouraging around the topic of sex, you might be struggling with sexual shame, which can negatively impact your sexual confidence.
Trauma: Past sexual traumas can also have an impact on your sexual confidence and self-esteem. Especially, if it's unresolved trauma.
Rejection: Some people might have poor sexual confidence because of past experiences with partners where they were rejected in a hurtful way.
Body issues: Some people with low body image might also struggle with low sexual confidence, and feel insecure about having sex and being naked in front of their partners.
Poor Sex Ed: Without proper sex education during developmental years, people might lack knowledge about their bodies and sex, which can prevent them from accessing their full sexual potential. And, lack of knowledge about the body and sexuality can lead to a disconnect between mind and body, which might negatively affect people’s sexual confidence.
It can be one or a combination of different reasons that affect your sexual confidence. It's good to understand any underlying reasons for low sexual self-esteem because it will help you find a solution.
What does sexual confidence look like?
Sexual confidence will look different for everyone. It's also something that might fluctuate throughout your life, and it's something that anyone can have, it doesn't take a special kind of person. Growing your sexual confidence and nurturing it takes time, patience, and a little bit of effort.
Fundamentally, sexual confidence is feeling comfortable in your own body, believing that you and your body deserve to experience pleasure, minimizing feelings of guilt or anxiety about sex with a partner(s), and feeling attractive and desired by your partner(s).
Sexual confidence also means understanding your pleasure and knowing what you enjoy in the bedroom. It also includes your ability to communicate about sex with your partner, and being able to share with them what you enjoy and want during intimacy. Besides that, sexually confident people are able to set boundaries during sex and they accept their partner(s) boundaries.
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Tips on how to boost your sexual confidence
Alright, now let's talk about the practical ways to improve your sexual confidence:
1. Self-pleasure
Self-pleasure should be on everyone's sex menu because it is the best way to learn about your body and pleasure, and learn to appreciate it. It might also help you eliminate any shame you might hold around pleasure, and learn to love yourself a little bit more.
Sexually confident people know their bodies well, they know how they like to be touched and what feels good. And they learn all of that through self-exploration during masturbation. So, consider scheduling some time for your alone quality time every week. And make it intentional.
Consider using a high-quality personal vibrator to enhance your self-exploration experience. Bloomi’s Massage is the perfect vibe for that. It’s made from smooth medical-grade silicone that feels amazing against your skin, and the ergonomic shape fits nicely in your palm, as well as against your body. It’s great for exploring your intimate areas, and all over your body.
2. Social media audit
Multiple studies have proven that social media has a huge impact on our mental health, and it does affect some people in a very negative way. If you notice that scrolling on social media and following certain accounts leaves you feeling bad about yourself, your life, or your body, or you find yourself comparing yourself to people on your Instagram feed, consider doing a social media audit.
Social media audit is exactly what it sounds like – go through your social media following and unfollow all accounts that make you feel bad about yourself, and people who you always compare yourself with. That includes people you know in real life, not only influencers.
Curating a social media feed where you only consume content that makes you feel good will greatly improve your mental health and your sexual confidence. Consider following positive influencers in a sexual wellness space who share ways to improve your sex life like Rebecca Alvarez Story and Dr. Viviana Coles.
3. Affirmations
Affirmations are powerful and can be a very effective way to boost your sexual confidence. The way you talk to yourself is important and if you are often unkind to yourself and struggle with negative self-talk, affirmations can help change the tone.
Pick a few affirmations that resonate with you and write them down somewhere where you can see them often. You might want to write them on sticky notes and put them up on a bathroom mirror, or have them pinned to your fridge with magnets – whatever goes
If you can, dedicate some time in the morning or before bedtime to meditate on those affirmations. Repeat them to yourself (helpful if you can do it in front of the mirror!) for a few minutes every day, and do it consistently. You'll see the difference – one study found that people were able to see positive change due to affirmations.
Here are a few affirmation ideas to spark your imagination:
"My body is beautiful and it is capable of accepting pleasure."
"I am worthy of love."
"I am capable of loving, and I am capable of accepting love."
"I feel empowered within my body."
"I am great at communicating about my desires and wants."
"I am full of sexual energy."
4. Mindfulness practice
Mindfulness is another tool that can help boost your sexual confidence. It involves practices like meditation, journaling, gratitude practice, and more. One study found that people who meditated were more sexually satisfied and had higher sexual self-esteem. Meditation can help you be more present in your body, which can improve the way you experience pleasure.
One study found that gratitude has a positive impact on a couple's sexual satisfaction. When partners practice gratitude, it improves their sexual communal strength (aka SCS), which is an indication of how motivated people in a relationship are about fulfilling each other's sexual needs.
Even ten minutes of meditation every day or journaling in the mornings can have a huge impact. So, consider picking up one small new mindfulness habit and implementing it every day. For more tips on mindfulness, follow Bloomi’s Slow Intimacy experts, Casa Earth.
5. Talk with your partner
If you are in a relationship, it might be a good idea to talk about your sexual confidence struggles with your partner. There are a few ways it can help you and your relationship.
First of all, honest conversation can improve your relationship by allowing your partner to understand why you might be distant during sex or avoid intimacy altogether. If they had any insecurities due to that (for example: thinking that you were not attracted to them), they'll feel much better, and having this conversation can bring you two closer together.
Second, opening up about your struggles with sexual confidence will allow your partner to find ways to support you. You don't have to be suffering in silence, and there are ways your partner can help you build your confidence.
6. Consider therapy
It might be a good idea to consider seeing a therapist to help you work through some harder issues and traumas that might be affecting your sexual confidence.
A sex therapist who specializes in sexuality and relationships can offer great insights and support where needed, whether you are single or in a relationship. So, search for a local sex therapist, or find one online.
Therapy can be expensive, especially if your health insurance doesn't cover it. In that case, it might be worth checking out services like BetterHelp where for a monthly fee you can talk with a therapist online. It's not quite the same as one-on-one sessions, but it might be a good start.