Your guide to having a threesome

Having a threesome consistently ranks among the top sexual fantasies for people of all genders and sexual orientations.

One study found that 82 percent of men and 31 percent of women express interest in a ménage à trois. But just because people are fantasizing about group sex doesn’t mean they’re enjoying it. According to a survey of 2,000 U.S. adults, only 3 percent of people had a threesome in the past year, and just 1 percent had one in the past month. What gives?

For many, broaching a conversation about three-ways is daunting. Some harbor shame around their sexual desires, while others fear hurting their lover’s feelings. It makes sense. While threesomes can be an exhilarating way to explore your sexuality and deepen intimacy with a partner, they're not for everyone and can go terribly wrong if everyone isn't on the same page.

To help beginners navigate conversations and experience safe and successful threesomes, we’re sharing tips that’ll help you before, during and after multi-partnered playtime. 

What is a threesome?

Threesomes encompass sexual activities enjoyed by three people together. While mainstream media overwhelmingly showcases threesomes among two cis women and one cis man, group sex can include any combination of sexual anatomy and/or gender. Additionally, it can be enjoyed by a couple and a third, partners in a polyamorous relationship and/or a group of singles.

There’s no one right way to have a threesome; the sex will look different depending on the interests of the partners involved. For some, threesomes may include penetration, while others will limit pleasure to oral play. Even more, some partners enjoy equal play, while others prefer cuckolding, watching their partner have sex with someone else.

How to be sure you want a threesome

Threesomes are not for everyone—and just because they’ve made it into your wet dreams doesn’t mean you’re in the best emotional space, or relationship, to enjoy one in the present moment. Before starting a conversation about group sex with your partner, you need to get real with yourself.

Take some time to meditate or journal to understand how you feel about having a threesome with your partner. Play out the scene in your mind, and check in on how you are feeling physically and emotionally. Take note of your emotions: Are you excited and inspired or are you angry, insecure and jealous? Do you feel aroused or are you completely turned off thinking about your partner with someone else? It's OK if you feel all, or a combination, of these emotions.

Be honest with yourself to ensure you are clear on why you want a threesome and if your relationship is strong and healthy enough to enjoy one. Note: Threesomes won’t solve or fix a broken relationship, and you shouldn’t have one because you feel pressured to by your partner. You should enthusiastically consent to a threesome. 

How to broach a conversation about a threesome with your partner

Now that you’re clear that you want to include a third in the bedroom, it’s time to talk with your partner. When broaching a conversation about spicing up your sex life, it can be helpful to first underline the aspects of your relationship and sex that you love. This can quell any fears or insecurities that might arise in your partner.

Next, start gauging their thoughts on threesomes by asking them questions: Have you ever fantasized about having a threesome? What curiosities do you have around group sex? Would you be interested in having a three-way? If they’re excited, or open, to the idea, bring it up again during playtime to see how you both respond.

For instance, during sex, try whispering something in their ear that could help them imagine a third. Say something like: “How hot would it be if someone was going down on you while I was riding your face?” If this dirty talk excites you both, you might be ready to explore a ménage à trois.

However, if it makes either of you uncomfortable or jealous, it might indicate one or both of you are not ready. If your partner is not interested in a threesome, respect their feelings and do not pressure them.

Set clear ground rules

Once you and your partner have agreed to having a threesome, it’s time to set some ground rules. Just because you’re open to a third doesn’t mean you want to do all the nasty things you do with your sweetheart with someone else. Some couples prefer to take some acts—like penetration, oral sex, kissing or sleepovers—off the table.

Others make rules about who they want their third to be: a stranger, an acquaintance or perhaps a friend. It’s also important to agree on a safe word that each person understands and uses if they suddenly feel uncomfortable. Phrases like “I’m thirsty” or “I’m going to grab a glass of water” are good options.

How to find a third

Before finding a third for your threesome, it’s important that you and your partner are clear on who the person could be. If you’re open to inviting friends in the bedroom, consider those who have expressed interest in threesomes and who you’ll still be able to maintain a relationship with after the deed is done.

Note: Just because someone has had a threesome, doesn’t mean that they’ll be open to having one with you. If you’d rather bring someone you don’t know into playtime, consider joining a group sex app like 3rder or any dating app—just make sure you are clear that you and your partner are looking for a third.

To get a feel of the chemistry among the three of you, it could be a good idea to meet and/or go on a date before sleeping together. For couples interested in something less formal, sex parties are a great place to observe and participate in group sex with people you don’t know.

How to prep for a threesome

For a threesome that is safe and enjoyable for all parties, it’s necessary to do some prep. Remember the ground rules you and your partner came up with? You’ll need to relay those to your third. Even more, the both of you will need to hear and honor your third’s own rules of engagement.

Whether they’re a stranger or a friend, this person isn’t your plaything but rather a person who is equally deserving of a pleasurable and respectful experience. Part of prepping for a threesome is also planning what will happen after sex: Will the third sleep over, will you all go out for dinner or brunch, or will you be paying for their ride back home?

Moreover, sex with multiple people increases the likelihood of STIs. Consider sharing and asking about the last time all parties were tested and what their results were. Regardless of their response, it’s important to have several condoms ready during playtime.

If someone with a penis or strap-on is penetrating two people, it’s critical that they remove the condom and replace it with another one as they go back and forth between both partners. This will avoid the spreading of bacteria, infections and viruses.

We recommend Glyde’s Vegan Latex Condoms, which is safe to use with toys and water-based and silicone lubricants. To enhance pleasure, consider incorporating multi-use sex toys, like Lora DiCarlo's Tilt Warming G-spot or Anal Vibrator, LELO’s Gigi 2 or Wednesday Co.'s Clink Silicone Hand & Ankle Cuffs. To ensure cleanliness and safety, keep Healthy Hoohoo’s pH-Balanced Wipes nearby.

Initiating a threesome could be awkward, especially if it’s your first time, but try not to overthink it and just enjoy yourself. It could be helpful to start with a glass of wine, some chatting or a group massage. The three-way should start organically with some touching, kissing and licking.

Feel free to take the lead or allow yourself to be led. Remember: communication is key. Even with rules and boundaries in place, things may still not go according to plan and feelings could be hurt. Each person has the right to express themselves and retract consent for any reason.

What to do after the threesome

Since each of you is already clear on the post-sex plan, you can comfortably say goodbye, cuddle for a little while, hang out or have a sleepover. For everyone’s safety, be sure to also shower, brush your teeth and discard all condoms. After your third leaves, you should also plan to have a conversation with your partner to check in with them about how they’re feeling and what they liked or disliked about the three-way.

If you or your partner didn’t enjoy it, you can decide to either never have a threesome again or to not repeat similar mistakes the next time around. Regardless, sexual communication is going to be key before, during and after a threesome.