How to use mindfulness to be present during sex

Am I doing this thing right? Is my partner(s) bored? What should I eat for dinner tonight? If you’re like most people, you’ve likely had distracted thoughts during sex that take you out of the experience and into your head. 

Though we often think of mindfulness as something to practice on a yoga mat or meditation cushion, the practice extends quite well to the bedroom and can help curb distracting thoughts. Many studies indicate that mindfulness works as a panacea for some sexual problems.

One such study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that mindfulness improved sexual satisfaction and arousal while reducing fear around sex. Whatever the reason for practicing mindfulness during sex, you don’t need any special tools to do it—you already have everything you need. Read on for ways to practice mindfulness during sex. 

Start slow.

First thing’s first, consider any needs you might have going into sex that might help put your mind at ease. This might look like requiring an extra pillow, having a latex barrier nearby for safe sex or ensuring you and your partner both know which activities are on or off the table, so you both know what to expect. 

Next, you’ll want to leave your phone powered off or in another room. When a screen lights up, it can take our attention away from the present moment. 

Reframe your intention.

When you shift your expectation from having sex to creating space for intimacy, regardless of what happens, you might find that it’s easier to stay present and let go of the expectation to perform. This could look like taking an hour or two to lie down with a partner and explore consensual touch together, rather than expecting to have sex.

That way, if you do have sex, you’ll hopefully be ready for it as opposed to going through the motions on autopilot. Take a few moments to scan your body for any tension and stress; notice tension and imagine each exhale dissolving it.

Focus on sensations.

There are so many sensations to take note of during sex other than an orgasm. Notice the feel of your partner’s skin, the sensation of their touch, the temperature of the air on your skin and any tingling or pulsing. You might find you can tap into a sensation in the erogenous zones, like the nipples, thighs, buttocks, lips or ears. 

Pay attention to your breath.

Your breath is always available to you as a tool that can help anchor you to the present. Notice if at any point you’re constricting your breathing. Try to take long and deep breaths, all the way down to your abdomen. Is your breath changing or restricting during different forms of pleasure?

Notice any thoughts. 

Instead of telling your thoughts to stop (because let’s be real, that hardly ever works), try to notice them when they occur and then let them go. You don’t need to pass judgment for thinking thoughts during sex; everyone does this at some point. Come back to your intention of staying present to the experience. You might use the breath as an anchor point to come back to when you notice you’re thinking. 

Remove the expectation to orgasm.

When the sole goal of sex is to orgasm, two things usually happen: First, you may become so wrapped up in the idea of orgasming that it becomes harder to achieve orgasm; and second, you’ll miss a whole lot of the actual experience. 

When you think about sex as an experience to stay present in rather than a destination from Point A to Point B, you might find more pleasure and sensations along the way.